i ain't tryin' to hear it.

wow, once again...i've deserted you again. hahah. nahhh, but damn...a lot has happened once again. some good. some bad. some drama. typically shit! anywhoooo. so yeah, i mean...where to start...well...school is finally about to fucking end! i'm so stoked! i can't wait to get the fuck outta here. go home. kick it with my friends. cristian damn, i miss her!!! i haven't seen her since spring break and it feels like forever. a lot has happened with her. after four years, she broke it off with javi cause she's feelin' orkis. ew. ahah. i mean...wow. i never saw that coming. her and javi are so in love. anyways, on to my life... i think it's so funny when i'm single, i'm never talking to anyone...and if i am, it's multiple people...but as soon as i get in a relationship...people ride my clit. ha. the two biggo transfer dykes. soccer guy. haha. fucking jeremiah thinks he's so slick. at first i didn't even realize he was trying to "holla" at me til we played one on one. i thought it was just gonna be a one on one you know, just to play one on one. but dizamnnnn. asking all these personal questions, i was like...he's definitely trying to talk to me. asking me if i had a "clown" hha, "i don't like clowns." pahahah. the fuck, i'm so stupid. but yeahhh, since i lost the 3 point shoot out to five me and mowinn had to go over and chill with him and his patnaaa. shiiiit, his patna was buying drinks...i'm down to drink! lol. didn't have to put nothing in on no bottle. :D that's what i'm talking about! haha. anywhoo. when we went over, we went to buy drinks and then just kicked it. took seven bottles of b&j to the head. damnnn. then him and mowinn got into the biggo debate on interracial dating...and the shit he said kinda offended me. "stick to the rules" the hell. i mean, it just went on and on.
thennnnnn, michelle texts and this has started some shit.
so, we're all in a serious debate. i mean, cutting each other off, the voices are getting louder, everyone on the edge of their seat...
so, she asks if mowinn and i are asleep. i'm like nah, this is mercedes, what's up? so she's like call me. i tell her what we're talking about and she fuckin' flips out on me. saying blahdy blahdy blah i need to talk to you or something like that idk. so i call her, 'cause clearly she's freakin' out and i'm like what's up...what's wrong. she's like nah forget it now. wtf! are you serious? i'm like dude, wtf. i thought she just actually for once wanted to talk on HER time. 'cause that like NEVER happens. so she's being hella stubborn and shit, she wouldn't tell me what was wrong...and pretty much hangs up in my face. if she only knew how fucking much that pisses me off. whether her "yeah" is a bye. my "bye" is a "bye"

fuckkkk it.
i don't even wanna talk about that shit.
she doesn't wanna be with me. fuck it. i KNOW there's other shit than the fucking "long distance" thing but whatever.

addiction.

ohhh if this week hasn't been the shittiest. everything is just all bad. the spring fest was this week...i didn't go to shit.
i'm too busy stressin' over other shit. 1. stupid ass mike has my motherfucking psychology book. not to mention, i have a fucking TEST friday(next friday) and i have to read three...THREE long motherfucking chapters! then, when i call or texr him...he doesn't answer. when i see him around campus...my fucking book is in his room. BITCHASSNIGGA! got dayum. 2. i fucking hate facebook. with the biggest passion in this whole fucking world. you see shit you don't wanna see. read shit you don't wanna read. i mean, i know i'm not the sharpest tool in the shed, but damn, i'm not fucking stupid.
Bakit ako na milinis ang isang lihim?!
that's allllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll i wanna know man.
i'm lucky to have the friends i have to comfort me in the time of need. i love you jay, bri and courtney. even though ya'll don't wanna hear about my problems. lol. what are friends for right? pahaha, suckers.
i'm so confused on so much shit. like what the fuck do i do? what the fuck have i done? what the fuck can i do?
i can't wait for the summer. this semester has been memorable yet so fucking stressful! damn, i can't wait for the summer. to work. be with my friends. my birthday, which i'm hecka excited for.
blehhh.
i can't fucking sleep. my head is killin'. anddddd i'm just so irritated.
i haven't talked to michelle in like a gagillion days, okay, so i'm overreacting. i haven't talked to her since tuesday.
i need ohhhh, aboutttttt....another fucking debit card to pay my fucking phone bill...that's not just 2 or $300. to be exact...it's $798.87.
thank Godddddd i was smart enough to put money away in my savings....
but it doesn't even matter...'cause my debit card is LOST!
my mom is acting like a douche bag.
my dad...shit, all he fucking does is work and i can't even get a "hi" in.
ugh.
someone shoot me!

gonna go try an fall asleeeeeeeep.
i doubt it'll happen, but i'm sure as hell gonna try.
byeeeee, til i feel like complaining again. :D

bedroom; bang bang.

okayyy, sooo...monday-wednesday til about 7ishhh? was terrible.
fucking stressed, depressed, mad, upset...a fuck load of mixed emotions.
thenn, i'm straightening my hair to get dressed and go to the mall with who i'm thinking would only be monique 'cause "we" planned it earlier that day after class; yeah well...evidently, her and michelle had plans too.
haaa, i came upstairs and like stormed in the room and she was sitting on my bed.
i was sooo fucking shocked. :D it was pretty fucking great though. it made me really happy.
thennn later on i met her friend cristina. she's pretty badass. her dogs suki and seven are sooo fucking adorable. [:
then i got like tickled to death...and they KNEW DAMN WELL i'd piss my pants. ha. whateverrrr.
sooo no school today, and yesterday i only had one class.
fucking math. failed my test with flying colors. it was pretttttty embarrassing might i add. shit, chapter 12 was hella hard though.
i swear facebook should be changed to dramawaitingtohappen.com. got damn. actually thinking about deleting it again, but idk, 'cause i know i'd probably get another one eventually. paha.
for everyone to see all up in your shit, nah ah. i don't like that too much. but whateverrrr. it's fuckin' lame anyways, and i have shit to hide.
:D
so yeah, michelle was all pissy drunk last night. it was pretty fuckin' hilarious. talked to her for like two hours til she got all pissed off and hung up in my face.
courtney calls like 10 minutes later. ha. talked to her mom for like a split second. fuuuuck she's hot! ha.
didn't do a got damn thing today but sleep, wash, anddd homework. what a fuckin' life huh?! pft.
leslie wanted to go to yo's. yeeeah, no. not in the mood.
gonna get all this fuckin' homework done and be stress freeeeeee! :D
riiiiiight.
talked to bri today. omg. this niggggga was getting fucked up all alone. i swear. she's fuckin' hilarious when she's fucked up.
idiot.
and so we play PV tuesday.
rumor has it they wanted to play us? them bitches are gonna get ass raped with no lube tuesday night. :D
paha. seriously though.
but i'll probably be seeing leslieeee! hooooray. pictures? yesssum.
pahahaha, going to finish this bitchass math homeworkkkk.
until more bullshit comes up...i'm out. :D

shutting down.

sooo, these past few days have been; well shitty. i don't have the energy to stay on top of my homework. the only determination i have is on the hardwood and even there...i've been doing just okay. i forth effort in EVERYTHING i fucking do on the court, but lately i've just felt like giving up. i don't have anyone pushing me to my limits. my team...shit...all we fucking do is argue when practices start going downhill. bad passes, blowing our fastbreaks, passing up the open shot, not running the lane...like got damn, all that shit is automatic. and it's not even that stressing me out...
school.
personal life.
school...i just fucking despise tsu. the teachers don't give a shit about you. they cancel classes outta the blue, let us out way too fucking early, no homework? REALLY!? then when test come around, they give this bullshit five minute put together reviews...that have NOTHING to do with the fucking test. REALLY!? i'm not satisfied. i'm not fucking challenged. i wanna be somewhere where i'm going to be challenged, where my teachers will push me to strive for the best. where i get so fucking stressed out because i have entirely too much homework. FUCK MAN! every morning i wake up it feels like another day to blow off. the only class i'm actually being challenged in is math and that's because it's my worst subject. my professor is ALWAYS there and NEVER cancels class. THAT'S HOW IT SHOULD FUCKING BE!
to bitch about my personal life...i just feel so like...cut deep. like, nothing i'm doing is good enough? is satisfying? is encouraging? i'm so lost on what to do. people are passing left and right. megan, oh megan ]: has a tumor on her neck and it's heartbreaking. everytime i see her picture, her name in my phone, her myspace, the number 10, old pictures...it makes me wanna break down and cry my eyes out. this should not be happening to her. she's too great for this. i know she's strong! i know she doesn't want us to worry, i know she's a soldier... but she doesn't derserve this. every chance i get, i'm praying for her. i wanna go home to be there to support her in her time of need. she's having surgery on the 21st...she doesn't want me to come home 'cause she knows i have school. i told my mom to go buy her flowers and a card everyday until i can see her for myself. hope she doesn't have terrible allergies. *laughs* after her surgery she'll be doing a follow up with the doctors to make sure it's not cancerous. God, i hope not. i pray it's not. idk, what i'd do without megan. she's the big sister i always wanted and never had. she keeps me on my toes, supports me with ANYTHING i do...even through all the stupid shit. megan, i know you'll be fine. i just hope everything can go back to normal. so when i go home we can go back to jay and whoop those high school girls ass on the court. go to the duck pond and play our hearts out against all those guy who think they're the shit. so we can go out to lunch and just have non stop laughter. hang in there babe! i'm praying for you non stop. i miss you and i love you.
on to my love life...something just isn't right. ever since saturday michelle has been distant from me.idk what to do. i ask her what's wrong, she says nothing...and she already told me she doesn't open up to people...but i would never want her to feel like i don't care, or that i'm not there for her.
i talked to leslie[pilipina] about it all...and she can totally understand me. filipino's are emotional people. we want to talk and work out our problems. not hold everything in, because if we do...it'll be built up frustration and when we blow it's not good. she told me to just give michelle space and let her come to me? i definitely don't want to bug michelle...but i always want her to know i'm here for her whenever she needs me. i hope she knows i'd drop everything whenever she needs me or wants to talk.
***ako'y umiibig sa kanyang***
i just wanna be the one she comes to when she's having a terrible day so i can make her feel better. i wanna be the one to make stupid jokes and try to get her to laugh when she's having an off day. i wanna be the one she comes to when something exciting happens so i can be happy for her and with her... i'm just trying to be the perfect girlfriend.

twistedddd.

sooo, this weekend was on the hectic side you can say. first...i totally lied to my team and coach telling them i had to fly back home because of a family emergency...i really didn't wanna miss our game against UH, but i did...and we won which was great. cause fuckin' people in the rec were so sure we were gonna get our ass whooped. assholes.
so...monique and i drive to beaumont so i could be with michelle this weekend and it was nothing like i planned. nothing like i saw it would be. i mean, i was hella fuckin' excited to see her. but i just wanted to be with her. nobody else. i mean, monique was automatic, but i wanted to just be with michelle. friday night we went over to cassie? and chenelles? house to hang out for a bit...i was pretty irritated already cause my phone froze up. fuckin' iPHONE man. i swear i wanted to chunk that bitch out the window. maybe it's just me...but if i were to introduce michelle to my friends...i'd introduce her as my girlfriend not just michelle...fuuuuck that irritated me. i meannnn damn. then i kinda peeped game when her and her friends were talking in code. like wtf. i was lost, but i'm not a fucking idiot bro. and it really irritates me when monique and michelle like crack jokes and shit...like it reaaaaally gets to me, and i know it should'nt but damn, when it happens every single time they're together it gets hella irritating. but anywhooo. so after going to cassie and chenelle's? house we go over "so so" house...liiiike whooooa. and again...introduced as everyone cause there was too many people. pft. really? like, maybe it's just me...and it probably is...but i kinda pissed me off. like, number one...i didn't go to beaumont to be around all this nigga's. i went for one specific reason, and it wasn't to be sitting at "so so" house. it was to be with michelle. thennn, the whole entire time...she didn't say shit to me. i mean, i understand those are your friends; i totally understand...but yeah. you can see them during the week. you can't see me every single day.
it was just so frustrating 'cause like i told her i'd like be more closer to her and show more affection(if that's the word)*like she asked* but i was never given the chance. when we were at home she was all pissed off, and when we were out, she was all distant from me. like i really didn't know what to do. saturday i knew she was going to be busy with her frat; we already talked about that...and i know shit comes up that she can't control, but it just sucked. i just wanted it to be a her and i weekend. and i can understand saturday not going good cause her cousin and one of her brothers from her frat passed. and to go along with that...this guy from my church passed away at 4pm saturday. ]: it was pretty fucking crazy. we were pretty close. he never missed a game of mine. he was there from the scrimmages to the playoff games. ]':
my emotions are just all fucked around. anddddd then, like...i sent her a comment what friday afternoon before i left...yeah, she deleted it off her page. now...i just wanna know like why the fuck can't our relationship be out there? i don't give a shit about her exes having shit to say. they can kiss my motherfucking ass. they know shit about me, i know shit about them...other than them being fuckin psychotic. like, fuckin' let our relationship be a relationship. i don't like being in the closet. it's stupid. i want people to know. i want to tell people, "oh yeah, this is michelle and she's my GIRLFRIEND." i don't wanna be denied damnit. michelle has made me the happiest in fuckin' months! i don't really think she realizes it. and like...i want us to be closer too; as she asked. just with her going to monique before she comes to me, it sucks. it's like she thinks she can't talk to me. but when i'm upset and she asks what's wrong...i tell her...it may take a minute, but i do tell her. she doesn't. she just says, "nothing" or "nothings wrong." anddd sometimes i do believe there's nothing wrong...but it just seems like it. idk, i don't like to see anyone sad/mad/upset. i try to do things to make people feel better and it doesn't seem to work. like nothing i say or do is ever good enough. ]: that feeling is the worst.
gahhh, but besides all the fucked up attitudes*and even mine...when i saw her smiling and lauhging(even when i was being made fun of) it made me so happy. seeing her smile is fuckin' amazing. it makes me feel that much better.
i just hope the next time we're together...it's nothing like this weekend. i hope it's more laughs, more smiles, more jokes(unfortunately), and more affection shown.
i already missed her when i shut the door to her room. /:
ps. i just wanna tell her she has nothing to be nervous about for starting to fall for me. i've been falling for her. and i can definitely see myself falling in love with her. she's out of this world great.
pss. fuck that swear jar. :D

i'ma take you to the top.

practice today was terrible. i've never experienced a practice THAT bad. so bad that my coach pulled me out of practice asking what was wrong. like dayum, i must have really been fuckin' up. so, we're doing this rebounding drill, and mind you...i'm not the best rebounder. so, we're doing this rebounding drills, and i'm catching elbows left and right from vi, so i'm already fucking pissed. then, i can like feel myself almost giving up. fuckin' jermey keeps yelling, "JACKSON, BOX OUT!" or "JACKSON, REBOUND!" or "JACKSON" i'm like FUCK dude. so time passes, and we're just rotating. then, jermey tells everyone to shoot a one an one and takes me outside the gym and asks what's up with me. i'm like man, i'm about to break down and cryy. ]: he tells me that i have all the potential in the world to play on a higher level and not just club team. he told me that three men from the tomball game asked him why #33(me) isn't playing on the varsity team, and jermey tells 'em, "idk, i don't think she wants to." and that right there just broke my heart cause i do want to. i've always dreamt of playing college ball. having my friends and family watching me and coming to my games, but instead i'm playing club ball. don't get me wrong, i love each and every one of my teammates, but playing for real deal college ball has been my dream since i was little. but anywho. so, he tells me that he doesn't plan to be coaching me next year because i should be playing with the varsity team. jermey told me i have a shot outta this world which makes me feel good, but yeah. i made the first cut when try outs came along, and then got cut a week after 'cause i have asthma and they don't wanna be liable. buncha fuckers. but yeah, he says when i'm "ready" to play on the varisty team i'll play. it's not even that i'm not putting forth effort, 'cause i bust my ass during practice it's just like...i don't have any motivation. very few people know how i think on the court. know how i play, and understand how i play, and without them i just feel lost. i talk to those people everyday, but it's so different when you're actually practicing and playing with them during every practice and during every game. lesleigh's head is in her ass. jay is hecka busy with offseason and everything and they're the only two who know my game. so it's like fuckkkk. but todayyy, i was just so frustrated. ]:

april fools day.

so fuck class today. had one at 9. had one at 10. my alarm went off at 7:45, ashleynn called me at 8 something...yeah. turned my alarm off, and turned my phone off. then monique wakes up in such a good mood, waking me up. today just isn't a good day. i've realized i'm a grade A fuck up. if it's not one thing with me, it's another. god, michelle doesn't even understand how stupid i feel. how like so low deep in a hole. i feel so depressed, stressed, frustrated, angry...all that shit man. it just sucks so bad. i really don't feel like i can talk to anyone about it 'cause it seems i have all these problems coming to me, and i feel like no one wants to hear it. i know i have those friends who are always there for me, but i don't want them to ever be like, "damn, she has problems out the ass." that would be the absolute worst. my emotions are just all fucked up right now. one minute i'm happy, the next i'm upset over something; something ignorant. i just want everything to be all good. i want all these stupid problems i have to go away. i know no one lives the perfect life, but damn. sometimes i want to be living a perfect life. but yeah, that's something that just won't happen. bleh. i'm so in the wrong right now.
i don't wanna lose this relationship, and i hope she just gives another chance.

the past...

i can now honestly say, that the past has fucked me up in so many ways. ways that like i can't even explain. everything is so frustrating right now 'cause i have an amazing girlfriend that i'm barely opening up to, and for what? cause of the bitches who have fucked me over in the past. every single day i'm like fuck the past but it's steady fucking with me everyday. every single day. and i can't fucking stand it. it like tears me apart knowing that in the past i've put forth so much got damn effort, and no one has appreciated it. and yeah, i'm starting over with new people in my life but i've been walked out on so many times, i've been lied to fuckin' outta this world like i'm not shit, steady getting heartbroken. having no one to turn to in need. when i'm finally happy; for once in my life...i can't even give it all i've got because of again, the fucking past. it's not even that i'm not giving all i have, because i'm trying...i guess it's just shifting from what i'm so use to, to what's real. all the little things i did, that i thought meant the most wasn't shit to them. all the sacrifices i gave up, all the trouble i've gotten in, all the shit i've been through didn't mean shit, all the money i've spent...it was all pointless. i try to be this amazing girl for everyone. i try to take care of others before myself, and at the end of the day...it all doesn't fucking matter.
i'm so upset with myself now...cause it's like i can't please michelle the way she wants because i'm too got damn scared to get heartbroken. being heartbroken is really as bad as it sounds. i don't think she'd ever break my heart. i know she wouldn't...
i just want her to know i'm really trying.
i really wanna be with her.
she doesn't know how excited i get to talk to her.
she doesn't know that when i'm not talking to her, i'm thinking about her.
every second i'm not with her, i'm missing her more and more.
her touch, her kiss, her hug means everything to me.
the feeling i get inside when i'm with her is out of this world.
she really doesn't know how much i care about her.
i don't wanna fuck this up.
i don't wanna be the reason why someone so great, someone so amazing doesn't wanna be with me.
that's the absolute worst fucking feeling ever.
therefore...i'm not gonna let that happen.

now i'm gonna go soak in my sorrow and despear.
sike.
i'm fuckin' outta here.
class at 9 & 10...or sleep all day...
we shall see at 7:45am how i'm feeling.
i'm leaning towards the sleeping all day...
but i know my nerdy ass will get up for class.
it's fuckin' 1:32 and i can't even get tired.
not good.
i'll probably be in a pissy mood tomorrow.
eh.
i'm out;til tomorrow.

so damn, i haven't blogged in a while. so much has happened. first, the most important, i'm so fucking through with courtney. i don't see how i missed all her bullshit. she wanted her cake and to eat it to. hell nah bro. although, it took me almost forever to finally peace her out of my life, i can't thank cristian, monique, jasmine, mercedes(sometimes), and jay for all the help, advice and just being there listening to all my bullshit about courtney. i love ya'll to death! :D
anywhooo.
so, after realizing i'm done with courtney...
i meet this amazing girl michelle. she totally made me forget about courtney. like, "courtney who?" haa. like, she's damn amazing. she doesn't play games, she's honest, knows what she wants, and is fucking hottttt! we met over the internet on downelink*haha gay asses. and then actually met in baytown! it was pretty badass. we got together march 21st and ever since then, well, since we've been talking...i've had some of the best days of my life. she makes me so fucking happy it's ridiculous. monique loves herrrr! they're like "best friends" ha. which is always a plus cause we can all hang out and be happy. well, when they're aren't doggin' me out! lol. it's all good though. they think they're hilarious or whatever!
but on some real shit, it feels like i've known michelle longer than i have. idk what it is about her, but yeah. doesn't seem like i've only known her for the short period of time i have. and she makes me so happy. knowing monique can see a completely different person than from the beginning of the semester is pretty badass. knowing she's happy for me is a great feeling. knowing cristian and jay are happy for me is that much better. cristian and jay probably know me better than anyone; know the shit i've been through...and even when they didn't understand me, they tried their damdest to do so. i've realized i'm a bit of a handful.
sooooooo, to some this all up...i'm pretty fucking happy and satisfied with life right now.
an amazing girlfriend, amazing best friends, and well...i'm pretty amazing too. ha.
it all works out.

fallin' back.

i know i say so much shit about how i need to get over her since she's with her girl now, but i just fuckin' can't. buttttttt uh, certain little things make me wanna just fall back out of the way for a little. she's being so distant*in my eyes, and i don't like this feeling at all. so i'm fallin' back a little. i don't want to...but shit...i can't do nothing else. everything is so out of place right now. /:
we haven't been talking as much anyways. i call, i usually get, "i'll call you back later," or something of that sort. so much has happened these past couple of days and i don't have anyone to share it with. i feel like cristian is all pissed cause of my situation, and that she's fed up with all my bullshit i tell her. so all these things are happening...and i don't have anyone to talk to about it. not even monique 'cause she's working like a fuckin' dog at work and she's too tired to talk and shitttttttt.
when i need people the most, they're never there. pft.

advice.

i am probably the easiest person to talk to, but i don't always know what to say. i don't always give the best advice and i damn sure probably won't tell you the oh so perfect things you wanna hear. people all day long text and call me about their love life...but do ya'll even know what the fuck love really is? for example; no names...but you were with some girl for about a year? you and her parents weren't on too good of terms and whatever has happened with ya'll has happened...buttttt when i look to your page i see a totally different girl, and your supposedly in love with her already? and ya'll are about to get married next spring? come on man. can you even tell me your definition of love? i mean, you've been with this girl for a split second...and ya'll are getting "married?" girllllll, i don't get you. i just don't. and from my perspective, you really don't know the first thing about love.
let me tell you, i'm in love right now...and if you loved your ex like you said you did...you wouldn't have just gave up. and if you love this new girl like you say you do...you wouldn't be on someone else's myspace saying, "i'd love to be your girl." i don't blame your girl/wife whatever ya'll are...i'd be hella pissed too if my girl said some bullshit like that. butttt, we all make mistakes and shit tends to happen. i just hope you know what you're getting yourself into with this whole marriage thing 'cause it IS serious. "marriage don't change nothing but your name, unless it's true love through sunshine and the rain. it's more than a ceremony, and more than a wedding ring. marriage doesn't change, nothing but your name."-MH. and that's real shitttttttt.

and on to my gagillion and one problems...
it fucking sucks to be talking to the only person you love...and although you know their with someone else...and usually when ya'll are about to hang up you always tell each other you love each other...
and that one time it isn't said makes your world fall apart.
i feel like we're growing apart. i hate this feeling. i don't talk to you as much as before...i feel like you're holding things back from me, and being sooo distant. /:
gahhh, i hope all this changes soon.

unoffical.

this feeling of being unofficial with you hurts so bad. when we first met, when we first got together, when we first broke up...i knew i'd never love anyone like i love you. when you asked if we'd ever get back together, i said, "probably not, cause i don't do long distance relationships." but i was full of shit. i wanted to be with you, i wanted to say yes. i was probably afraid of getting cheated on. we're thousands of miles apart, and although i trust you with every thing inside of my body, shit happens. years have passed and i'm still madly in love with. i possibly came back too late wanting you in my life. but when i saw you for the first time during the summer; everything felt so damn right. we argued, and although i wanted to hate you when you went back home, i couldn't. in the back of my head i always ask myself, "why'd i leave her for a zero, she's everything i ever wanted." when you came back during christmas i didn't think you'd leave me again. i didn't want you to. i wanted to start my whole life over again with you. everything just felt so complete. and you had to leave once again... every single day i can't be with you i hurt more and more. the heartbreaks don't even compare to me not even being able to see you everday. now, it just seems like i can't do anything or say anything to you to get you back. i want to be the one to get your mind off of someria 'cause i know she fucking hurt you so much. i want to be the one you wanna spend the rest of your life with. i want you to be the one i come home to in the evening. the one to make you laugh and smile; the one to just piss you off. the only one i want to argue with, i want you to be the only one who can make everything all better.
now that you're with lauren, i fell so deep into a hole. i sometimes feel like i'm not good enough for you. i mean, you and someria are over, but you go and get with lauren. i always ask myself, "what the hell are you doing wrong?" i try so hard to keep you happy. i don't know what else i can do. and it scares me so much to know you're with her...because what if you do fall in love with her...what if you do starting diggin' her, and ya'll stay together? what if...what if you start talking about your future with her? what...what if she replaces everything we've ever had? that's what i'm most afraid of. even know ya'll just got together...everyday i'm wondering if you're giving her the same look you give me? if you're kissing her the way you kiss me? if you hold her the same way you hold me? if you laugh with her, like you laugh with me? if you hug her tight like you hug me? if you're telling her she's beautiful like you tell me? maybe i'm being selfish, but i don't want you telling her the same things you tell me. i wanna be the only one you do and say things to*relationship wise. if you're laying with her like we've laid together? if you're fuckin' her? if she's met your mom, if your mom will like her more than she likes me? all these things run through my mind nonstop. you're the only one on this earth who i let break my heart continuously and not leavee. i know you don't mean it, and i know you make mistakes... i just wish everyday that you were mine again. you're the only one who probably knows me better than anyone else walking this earth. you can do and say the things that can completey make my day.
people who know my situation tell me everyday to get over you, she's hurting you, she's taking advantage of you, she's not grateful for you, she's not in love with you like you're in love with her...and i know it's allllll bullshit. i hear it everyday...and i still don't doubt us. they don't know what we've been through...they don't know what we have...and they will never understand.
everything we've talked about dealing with our future...i want it to happen already 'cause i know it will.
i want to make you happy. i want to be the one you wake up to in the morning. i want to be the one to wash for you, cook for you, spoil you, shop for you, clean up after you, do everything for you. absolutely everything. i want to be your everything, and i want you to be my everything.
and i'll always be here waiting for you...waiting for you to come back to me for good.
i love you, princess.