fallin' back.

i know i say so much shit about how i need to get over her since she's with her girl now, but i just fuckin' can't. buttttttt uh, certain little things make me wanna just fall back out of the way for a little. she's being so distant*in my eyes, and i don't like this feeling at all. so i'm fallin' back a little. i don't want to...but shit...i can't do nothing else. everything is so out of place right now. /:
we haven't been talking as much anyways. i call, i usually get, "i'll call you back later," or something of that sort. so much has happened these past couple of days and i don't have anyone to share it with. i feel like cristian is all pissed cause of my situation, and that she's fed up with all my bullshit i tell her. so all these things are happening...and i don't have anyone to talk to about it. not even monique 'cause she's working like a fuckin' dog at work and she's too tired to talk and shitttttttt.
when i need people the most, they're never there. pft.

advice.

i am probably the easiest person to talk to, but i don't always know what to say. i don't always give the best advice and i damn sure probably won't tell you the oh so perfect things you wanna hear. people all day long text and call me about their love life...but do ya'll even know what the fuck love really is? for example; no names...but you were with some girl for about a year? you and her parents weren't on too good of terms and whatever has happened with ya'll has happened...buttttt when i look to your page i see a totally different girl, and your supposedly in love with her already? and ya'll are about to get married next spring? come on man. can you even tell me your definition of love? i mean, you've been with this girl for a split second...and ya'll are getting "married?" girllllll, i don't get you. i just don't. and from my perspective, you really don't know the first thing about love.
let me tell you, i'm in love right now...and if you loved your ex like you said you did...you wouldn't have just gave up. and if you love this new girl like you say you do...you wouldn't be on someone else's myspace saying, "i'd love to be your girl." i don't blame your girl/wife whatever ya'll are...i'd be hella pissed too if my girl said some bullshit like that. butttt, we all make mistakes and shit tends to happen. i just hope you know what you're getting yourself into with this whole marriage thing 'cause it IS serious. "marriage don't change nothing but your name, unless it's true love through sunshine and the rain. it's more than a ceremony, and more than a wedding ring. marriage doesn't change, nothing but your name."-MH. and that's real shitttttttt.

and on to my gagillion and one problems...
it fucking sucks to be talking to the only person you love...and although you know their with someone else...and usually when ya'll are about to hang up you always tell each other you love each other...
and that one time it isn't said makes your world fall apart.
i feel like we're growing apart. i hate this feeling. i don't talk to you as much as before...i feel like you're holding things back from me, and being sooo distant. /:
gahhh, i hope all this changes soon.

unoffical.

this feeling of being unofficial with you hurts so bad. when we first met, when we first got together, when we first broke up...i knew i'd never love anyone like i love you. when you asked if we'd ever get back together, i said, "probably not, cause i don't do long distance relationships." but i was full of shit. i wanted to be with you, i wanted to say yes. i was probably afraid of getting cheated on. we're thousands of miles apart, and although i trust you with every thing inside of my body, shit happens. years have passed and i'm still madly in love with. i possibly came back too late wanting you in my life. but when i saw you for the first time during the summer; everything felt so damn right. we argued, and although i wanted to hate you when you went back home, i couldn't. in the back of my head i always ask myself, "why'd i leave her for a zero, she's everything i ever wanted." when you came back during christmas i didn't think you'd leave me again. i didn't want you to. i wanted to start my whole life over again with you. everything just felt so complete. and you had to leave once again... every single day i can't be with you i hurt more and more. the heartbreaks don't even compare to me not even being able to see you everday. now, it just seems like i can't do anything or say anything to you to get you back. i want to be the one to get your mind off of someria 'cause i know she fucking hurt you so much. i want to be the one you wanna spend the rest of your life with. i want you to be the one i come home to in the evening. the one to make you laugh and smile; the one to just piss you off. the only one i want to argue with, i want you to be the only one who can make everything all better.
now that you're with lauren, i fell so deep into a hole. i sometimes feel like i'm not good enough for you. i mean, you and someria are over, but you go and get with lauren. i always ask myself, "what the hell are you doing wrong?" i try so hard to keep you happy. i don't know what else i can do. and it scares me so much to know you're with her...because what if you do fall in love with her...what if you do starting diggin' her, and ya'll stay together? what if...what if you start talking about your future with her? what...what if she replaces everything we've ever had? that's what i'm most afraid of. even know ya'll just got together...everyday i'm wondering if you're giving her the same look you give me? if you're kissing her the way you kiss me? if you hold her the same way you hold me? if you laugh with her, like you laugh with me? if you hug her tight like you hug me? if you're telling her she's beautiful like you tell me? maybe i'm being selfish, but i don't want you telling her the same things you tell me. i wanna be the only one you do and say things to*relationship wise. if you're laying with her like we've laid together? if you're fuckin' her? if she's met your mom, if your mom will like her more than she likes me? all these things run through my mind nonstop. you're the only one on this earth who i let break my heart continuously and not leavee. i know you don't mean it, and i know you make mistakes... i just wish everyday that you were mine again. you're the only one who probably knows me better than anyone else walking this earth. you can do and say the things that can completey make my day.
people who know my situation tell me everyday to get over you, she's hurting you, she's taking advantage of you, she's not grateful for you, she's not in love with you like you're in love with her...and i know it's allllll bullshit. i hear it everyday...and i still don't doubt us. they don't know what we've been through...they don't know what we have...and they will never understand.
everything we've talked about dealing with our future...i want it to happen already 'cause i know it will.
i want to make you happy. i want to be the one you wake up to in the morning. i want to be the one to wash for you, cook for you, spoil you, shop for you, clean up after you, do everything for you. absolutely everything. i want to be your everything, and i want you to be my everything.
and i'll always be here waiting for you...waiting for you to come back to me for good.
i love you, princess.