the past...

i can now honestly say, that the past has fucked me up in so many ways. ways that like i can't even explain. everything is so frustrating right now 'cause i have an amazing girlfriend that i'm barely opening up to, and for what? cause of the bitches who have fucked me over in the past. every single day i'm like fuck the past but it's steady fucking with me everyday. every single day. and i can't fucking stand it. it like tears me apart knowing that in the past i've put forth so much got damn effort, and no one has appreciated it. and yeah, i'm starting over with new people in my life but i've been walked out on so many times, i've been lied to fuckin' outta this world like i'm not shit, steady getting heartbroken. having no one to turn to in need. when i'm finally happy; for once in my life...i can't even give it all i've got because of again, the fucking past. it's not even that i'm not giving all i have, because i'm trying...i guess it's just shifting from what i'm so use to, to what's real. all the little things i did, that i thought meant the most wasn't shit to them. all the sacrifices i gave up, all the trouble i've gotten in, all the shit i've been through didn't mean shit, all the money i've spent...it was all pointless. i try to be this amazing girl for everyone. i try to take care of others before myself, and at the end of the day...it all doesn't fucking matter.
i'm so upset with myself now...cause it's like i can't please michelle the way she wants because i'm too got damn scared to get heartbroken. being heartbroken is really as bad as it sounds. i don't think she'd ever break my heart. i know she wouldn't...
i just want her to know i'm really trying.
i really wanna be with her.
she doesn't know how excited i get to talk to her.
she doesn't know that when i'm not talking to her, i'm thinking about her.
every second i'm not with her, i'm missing her more and more.
her touch, her kiss, her hug means everything to me.
the feeling i get inside when i'm with her is out of this world.
she really doesn't know how much i care about her.
i don't wanna fuck this up.
i don't wanna be the reason why someone so great, someone so amazing doesn't wanna be with me.
that's the absolute worst fucking feeling ever.
therefore...i'm not gonna let that happen.

now i'm gonna go soak in my sorrow and despear.
sike.
i'm fuckin' outta here.
class at 9 & 10...or sleep all day...
we shall see at 7:45am how i'm feeling.
i'm leaning towards the sleeping all day...
but i know my nerdy ass will get up for class.
it's fuckin' 1:32 and i can't even get tired.
not good.
i'll probably be in a pissy mood tomorrow.
eh.
i'm out;til tomorrow.

so damn, i haven't blogged in a while. so much has happened. first, the most important, i'm so fucking through with courtney. i don't see how i missed all her bullshit. she wanted her cake and to eat it to. hell nah bro. although, it took me almost forever to finally peace her out of my life, i can't thank cristian, monique, jasmine, mercedes(sometimes), and jay for all the help, advice and just being there listening to all my bullshit about courtney. i love ya'll to death! :D
anywhooo.
so, after realizing i'm done with courtney...
i meet this amazing girl michelle. she totally made me forget about courtney. like, "courtney who?" haa. like, she's damn amazing. she doesn't play games, she's honest, knows what she wants, and is fucking hottttt! we met over the internet on downelink*haha gay asses. and then actually met in baytown! it was pretty badass. we got together march 21st and ever since then, well, since we've been talking...i've had some of the best days of my life. she makes me so fucking happy it's ridiculous. monique loves herrrr! they're like "best friends" ha. which is always a plus cause we can all hang out and be happy. well, when they're aren't doggin' me out! lol. it's all good though. they think they're hilarious or whatever!
but on some real shit, it feels like i've known michelle longer than i have. idk what it is about her, but yeah. doesn't seem like i've only known her for the short period of time i have. and she makes me so happy. knowing monique can see a completely different person than from the beginning of the semester is pretty badass. knowing she's happy for me is a great feeling. knowing cristian and jay are happy for me is that much better. cristian and jay probably know me better than anyone; know the shit i've been through...and even when they didn't understand me, they tried their damdest to do so. i've realized i'm a bit of a handful.
sooooooo, to some this all up...i'm pretty fucking happy and satisfied with life right now.
an amazing girlfriend, amazing best friends, and well...i'm pretty amazing too. ha.
it all works out.