addiction.

ohhh if this week hasn't been the shittiest. everything is just all bad. the spring fest was this week...i didn't go to shit.
i'm too busy stressin' over other shit. 1. stupid ass mike has my motherfucking psychology book. not to mention, i have a fucking TEST friday(next friday) and i have to read three...THREE long motherfucking chapters! then, when i call or texr him...he doesn't answer. when i see him around campus...my fucking book is in his room. BITCHASSNIGGA! got dayum. 2. i fucking hate facebook. with the biggest passion in this whole fucking world. you see shit you don't wanna see. read shit you don't wanna read. i mean, i know i'm not the sharpest tool in the shed, but damn, i'm not fucking stupid.
Bakit ako na milinis ang isang lihim?!
that's allllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll i wanna know man.
i'm lucky to have the friends i have to comfort me in the time of need. i love you jay, bri and courtney. even though ya'll don't wanna hear about my problems. lol. what are friends for right? pahaha, suckers.
i'm so confused on so much shit. like what the fuck do i do? what the fuck have i done? what the fuck can i do?
i can't wait for the summer. this semester has been memorable yet so fucking stressful! damn, i can't wait for the summer. to work. be with my friends. my birthday, which i'm hecka excited for.
blehhh.
i can't fucking sleep. my head is killin'. anddddd i'm just so irritated.
i haven't talked to michelle in like a gagillion days, okay, so i'm overreacting. i haven't talked to her since tuesday.
i need ohhhh, aboutttttt....another fucking debit card to pay my fucking phone bill...that's not just 2 or $300. to be exact...it's $798.87.
thank Godddddd i was smart enough to put money away in my savings....
but it doesn't even matter...'cause my debit card is LOST!
my mom is acting like a douche bag.
my dad...shit, all he fucking does is work and i can't even get a "hi" in.
ugh.
someone shoot me!

gonna go try an fall asleeeeeeeep.
i doubt it'll happen, but i'm sure as hell gonna try.
byeeeee, til i feel like complaining again. :D

bedroom; bang bang.

okayyy, sooo...monday-wednesday til about 7ishhh? was terrible.
fucking stressed, depressed, mad, upset...a fuck load of mixed emotions.
thenn, i'm straightening my hair to get dressed and go to the mall with who i'm thinking would only be monique 'cause "we" planned it earlier that day after class; yeah well...evidently, her and michelle had plans too.
haaa, i came upstairs and like stormed in the room and she was sitting on my bed.
i was sooo fucking shocked. :D it was pretty fucking great though. it made me really happy.
thennn later on i met her friend cristina. she's pretty badass. her dogs suki and seven are sooo fucking adorable. [:
then i got like tickled to death...and they KNEW DAMN WELL i'd piss my pants. ha. whateverrrr.
sooo no school today, and yesterday i only had one class.
fucking math. failed my test with flying colors. it was pretttttty embarrassing might i add. shit, chapter 12 was hella hard though.
i swear facebook should be changed to dramawaitingtohappen.com. got damn. actually thinking about deleting it again, but idk, 'cause i know i'd probably get another one eventually. paha.
for everyone to see all up in your shit, nah ah. i don't like that too much. but whateverrrr. it's fuckin' lame anyways, and i have shit to hide.
:D
so yeah, michelle was all pissy drunk last night. it was pretty fuckin' hilarious. talked to her for like two hours til she got all pissed off and hung up in my face.
courtney calls like 10 minutes later. ha. talked to her mom for like a split second. fuuuuck she's hot! ha.
didn't do a got damn thing today but sleep, wash, anddd homework. what a fuckin' life huh?! pft.
leslie wanted to go to yo's. yeeeah, no. not in the mood.
gonna get all this fuckin' homework done and be stress freeeeeee! :D
riiiiiight.
talked to bri today. omg. this niggggga was getting fucked up all alone. i swear. she's fuckin' hilarious when she's fucked up.
idiot.
and so we play PV tuesday.
rumor has it they wanted to play us? them bitches are gonna get ass raped with no lube tuesday night. :D
paha. seriously though.
but i'll probably be seeing leslieeee! hooooray. pictures? yesssum.
pahahaha, going to finish this bitchass math homeworkkkk.
until more bullshit comes up...i'm out. :D

shutting down.

sooo, these past few days have been; well shitty. i don't have the energy to stay on top of my homework. the only determination i have is on the hardwood and even there...i've been doing just okay. i forth effort in EVERYTHING i fucking do on the court, but lately i've just felt like giving up. i don't have anyone pushing me to my limits. my team...shit...all we fucking do is argue when practices start going downhill. bad passes, blowing our fastbreaks, passing up the open shot, not running the lane...like got damn, all that shit is automatic. and it's not even that stressing me out...
school.
personal life.
school...i just fucking despise tsu. the teachers don't give a shit about you. they cancel classes outta the blue, let us out way too fucking early, no homework? REALLY!? then when test come around, they give this bullshit five minute put together reviews...that have NOTHING to do with the fucking test. REALLY!? i'm not satisfied. i'm not fucking challenged. i wanna be somewhere where i'm going to be challenged, where my teachers will push me to strive for the best. where i get so fucking stressed out because i have entirely too much homework. FUCK MAN! every morning i wake up it feels like another day to blow off. the only class i'm actually being challenged in is math and that's because it's my worst subject. my professor is ALWAYS there and NEVER cancels class. THAT'S HOW IT SHOULD FUCKING BE!
to bitch about my personal life...i just feel so like...cut deep. like, nothing i'm doing is good enough? is satisfying? is encouraging? i'm so lost on what to do. people are passing left and right. megan, oh megan ]: has a tumor on her neck and it's heartbreaking. everytime i see her picture, her name in my phone, her myspace, the number 10, old pictures...it makes me wanna break down and cry my eyes out. this should not be happening to her. she's too great for this. i know she's strong! i know she doesn't want us to worry, i know she's a soldier... but she doesn't derserve this. every chance i get, i'm praying for her. i wanna go home to be there to support her in her time of need. she's having surgery on the 21st...she doesn't want me to come home 'cause she knows i have school. i told my mom to go buy her flowers and a card everyday until i can see her for myself. hope she doesn't have terrible allergies. *laughs* after her surgery she'll be doing a follow up with the doctors to make sure it's not cancerous. God, i hope not. i pray it's not. idk, what i'd do without megan. she's the big sister i always wanted and never had. she keeps me on my toes, supports me with ANYTHING i do...even through all the stupid shit. megan, i know you'll be fine. i just hope everything can go back to normal. so when i go home we can go back to jay and whoop those high school girls ass on the court. go to the duck pond and play our hearts out against all those guy who think they're the shit. so we can go out to lunch and just have non stop laughter. hang in there babe! i'm praying for you non stop. i miss you and i love you.
on to my love life...something just isn't right. ever since saturday michelle has been distant from me.idk what to do. i ask her what's wrong, she says nothing...and she already told me she doesn't open up to people...but i would never want her to feel like i don't care, or that i'm not there for her.
i talked to leslie[pilipina] about it all...and she can totally understand me. filipino's are emotional people. we want to talk and work out our problems. not hold everything in, because if we do...it'll be built up frustration and when we blow it's not good. she told me to just give michelle space and let her come to me? i definitely don't want to bug michelle...but i always want her to know i'm here for her whenever she needs me. i hope she knows i'd drop everything whenever she needs me or wants to talk.
***ako'y umiibig sa kanyang***
i just wanna be the one she comes to when she's having a terrible day so i can make her feel better. i wanna be the one to make stupid jokes and try to get her to laugh when she's having an off day. i wanna be the one she comes to when something exciting happens so i can be happy for her and with her... i'm just trying to be the perfect girlfriend.

twistedddd.

sooo, this weekend was on the hectic side you can say. first...i totally lied to my team and coach telling them i had to fly back home because of a family emergency...i really didn't wanna miss our game against UH, but i did...and we won which was great. cause fuckin' people in the rec were so sure we were gonna get our ass whooped. assholes.
so...monique and i drive to beaumont so i could be with michelle this weekend and it was nothing like i planned. nothing like i saw it would be. i mean, i was hella fuckin' excited to see her. but i just wanted to be with her. nobody else. i mean, monique was automatic, but i wanted to just be with michelle. friday night we went over to cassie? and chenelles? house to hang out for a bit...i was pretty irritated already cause my phone froze up. fuckin' iPHONE man. i swear i wanted to chunk that bitch out the window. maybe it's just me...but if i were to introduce michelle to my friends...i'd introduce her as my girlfriend not just michelle...fuuuuck that irritated me. i meannnn damn. then i kinda peeped game when her and her friends were talking in code. like wtf. i was lost, but i'm not a fucking idiot bro. and it really irritates me when monique and michelle like crack jokes and shit...like it reaaaaally gets to me, and i know it should'nt but damn, when it happens every single time they're together it gets hella irritating. but anywhooo. so after going to cassie and chenelle's? house we go over "so so" house...liiiike whooooa. and again...introduced as everyone cause there was too many people. pft. really? like, maybe it's just me...and it probably is...but i kinda pissed me off. like, number one...i didn't go to beaumont to be around all this nigga's. i went for one specific reason, and it wasn't to be sitting at "so so" house. it was to be with michelle. thennn, the whole entire time...she didn't say shit to me. i mean, i understand those are your friends; i totally understand...but yeah. you can see them during the week. you can't see me every single day.
it was just so frustrating 'cause like i told her i'd like be more closer to her and show more affection(if that's the word)*like she asked* but i was never given the chance. when we were at home she was all pissed off, and when we were out, she was all distant from me. like i really didn't know what to do. saturday i knew she was going to be busy with her frat; we already talked about that...and i know shit comes up that she can't control, but it just sucked. i just wanted it to be a her and i weekend. and i can understand saturday not going good cause her cousin and one of her brothers from her frat passed. and to go along with that...this guy from my church passed away at 4pm saturday. ]: it was pretty fucking crazy. we were pretty close. he never missed a game of mine. he was there from the scrimmages to the playoff games. ]':
my emotions are just all fucked around. anddddd then, like...i sent her a comment what friday afternoon before i left...yeah, she deleted it off her page. now...i just wanna know like why the fuck can't our relationship be out there? i don't give a shit about her exes having shit to say. they can kiss my motherfucking ass. they know shit about me, i know shit about them...other than them being fuckin psychotic. like, fuckin' let our relationship be a relationship. i don't like being in the closet. it's stupid. i want people to know. i want to tell people, "oh yeah, this is michelle and she's my GIRLFRIEND." i don't wanna be denied damnit. michelle has made me the happiest in fuckin' months! i don't really think she realizes it. and like...i want us to be closer too; as she asked. just with her going to monique before she comes to me, it sucks. it's like she thinks she can't talk to me. but when i'm upset and she asks what's wrong...i tell her...it may take a minute, but i do tell her. she doesn't. she just says, "nothing" or "nothings wrong." anddd sometimes i do believe there's nothing wrong...but it just seems like it. idk, i don't like to see anyone sad/mad/upset. i try to do things to make people feel better and it doesn't seem to work. like nothing i say or do is ever good enough. ]: that feeling is the worst.
gahhh, but besides all the fucked up attitudes*and even mine...when i saw her smiling and lauhging(even when i was being made fun of) it made me so happy. seeing her smile is fuckin' amazing. it makes me feel that much better.
i just hope the next time we're together...it's nothing like this weekend. i hope it's more laughs, more smiles, more jokes(unfortunately), and more affection shown.
i already missed her when i shut the door to her room. /:
ps. i just wanna tell her she has nothing to be nervous about for starting to fall for me. i've been falling for her. and i can definitely see myself falling in love with her. she's out of this world great.
pss. fuck that swear jar. :D

i'ma take you to the top.

practice today was terrible. i've never experienced a practice THAT bad. so bad that my coach pulled me out of practice asking what was wrong. like dayum, i must have really been fuckin' up. so, we're doing this rebounding drill, and mind you...i'm not the best rebounder. so, we're doing this rebounding drills, and i'm catching elbows left and right from vi, so i'm already fucking pissed. then, i can like feel myself almost giving up. fuckin' jermey keeps yelling, "JACKSON, BOX OUT!" or "JACKSON, REBOUND!" or "JACKSON" i'm like FUCK dude. so time passes, and we're just rotating. then, jermey tells everyone to shoot a one an one and takes me outside the gym and asks what's up with me. i'm like man, i'm about to break down and cryy. ]: he tells me that i have all the potential in the world to play on a higher level and not just club team. he told me that three men from the tomball game asked him why #33(me) isn't playing on the varsity team, and jermey tells 'em, "idk, i don't think she wants to." and that right there just broke my heart cause i do want to. i've always dreamt of playing college ball. having my friends and family watching me and coming to my games, but instead i'm playing club ball. don't get me wrong, i love each and every one of my teammates, but playing for real deal college ball has been my dream since i was little. but anywho. so, he tells me that he doesn't plan to be coaching me next year because i should be playing with the varsity team. jermey told me i have a shot outta this world which makes me feel good, but yeah. i made the first cut when try outs came along, and then got cut a week after 'cause i have asthma and they don't wanna be liable. buncha fuckers. but yeah, he says when i'm "ready" to play on the varisty team i'll play. it's not even that i'm not putting forth effort, 'cause i bust my ass during practice it's just like...i don't have any motivation. very few people know how i think on the court. know how i play, and understand how i play, and without them i just feel lost. i talk to those people everyday, but it's so different when you're actually practicing and playing with them during every practice and during every game. lesleigh's head is in her ass. jay is hecka busy with offseason and everything and they're the only two who know my game. so it's like fuckkkk. but todayyy, i was just so frustrated. ]:

april fools day.

so fuck class today. had one at 9. had one at 10. my alarm went off at 7:45, ashleynn called me at 8 something...yeah. turned my alarm off, and turned my phone off. then monique wakes up in such a good mood, waking me up. today just isn't a good day. i've realized i'm a grade A fuck up. if it's not one thing with me, it's another. god, michelle doesn't even understand how stupid i feel. how like so low deep in a hole. i feel so depressed, stressed, frustrated, angry...all that shit man. it just sucks so bad. i really don't feel like i can talk to anyone about it 'cause it seems i have all these problems coming to me, and i feel like no one wants to hear it. i know i have those friends who are always there for me, but i don't want them to ever be like, "damn, she has problems out the ass." that would be the absolute worst. my emotions are just all fucked up right now. one minute i'm happy, the next i'm upset over something; something ignorant. i just want everything to be all good. i want all these stupid problems i have to go away. i know no one lives the perfect life, but damn. sometimes i want to be living a perfect life. but yeah, that's something that just won't happen. bleh. i'm so in the wrong right now.
i don't wanna lose this relationship, and i hope she just gives another chance.