sooo, these past few days have been; well shitty. i don't have the energy to stay on top of my homework. the only determination i have is on the hardwood and even there...i've been doing just okay. i forth effort in EVERYTHING i fucking do on the court, but lately i've just felt like giving up. i don't have anyone pushing me to my limits. my team...shit...all we fucking do is argue when practices start going downhill. bad passes, blowing our fastbreaks, passing up the open shot, not running the lane...like got damn, all that shit is automatic. and it's not even that stressing me out...
school.
personal life.
school...i just fucking despise tsu. the teachers don't give a shit about you. they cancel classes outta the blue, let us out way too fucking early, no homework? REALLY!? then when test come around, they give this bullshit five minute put together reviews...that have NOTHING to do with the fucking test. REALLY!? i'm not satisfied. i'm not fucking challenged. i wanna be somewhere where i'm going to be challenged, where my teachers will push me to strive for the best. where i get so fucking stressed out because i have entirely too much homework. FUCK MAN! every morning i wake up it feels like another day to blow off. the only class i'm actually being challenged in is math and that's because it's my worst subject. my professor is ALWAYS there and NEVER cancels class. THAT'S HOW IT SHOULD FUCKING BE!
to bitch about my personal life...i just feel so like...cut deep. like, nothing i'm doing is good enough? is satisfying? is encouraging? i'm so lost on what to do. people are passing left and right. megan, oh megan ]: has a tumor on her neck and it's heartbreaking. everytime i see her picture, her name in my phone, her myspace, the number 10, old pictures...it makes me wanna break down and cry my eyes out. this should not be happening to her. she's too great for this. i know she's strong! i know she doesn't want us to worry, i know she's a soldier... but she doesn't derserve this. every chance i get, i'm praying for her. i wanna go home to be there to support her in her time of need. she's having surgery on the 21st...she doesn't want me to come home 'cause she knows i have school. i told my mom to go buy her flowers and a card everyday until i can see her for myself. hope she doesn't have terrible allergies. *laughs* after her surgery she'll be doing a follow up with the doctors to make sure it's not cancerous. God, i hope not. i pray it's not. idk, what i'd do without megan. she's the big sister i always wanted and never had. she keeps me on my toes, supports me with ANYTHING i do...even through all the stupid shit. megan, i know you'll be fine. i just hope everything can go back to normal. so when i go home we can go back to jay and whoop those high school girls ass on the court. go to the duck pond and play our hearts out against all those guy who think they're the shit. so we can go out to lunch and just have non stop laughter. hang in there babe! i'm praying for you non stop. i miss you and i love you.
on to my love life...something just isn't right. ever since saturday michelle has been distant from me.idk what to do. i ask her what's wrong, she says nothing...and she already told me she doesn't open up to people...but i would never want her to feel like i don't care, or that i'm not there for her.
i talked to leslie[pilipina] about it all...and she can totally understand me. filipino's are emotional people. we want to talk and work out our problems. not hold everything in, because if we do...it'll be built up frustration and when we blow it's not good. she told me to just give michelle space and let her come to me? i definitely don't want to bug michelle...but i always want her to know i'm here for her whenever she needs me. i hope she knows i'd drop everything whenever she needs me or wants to talk.
***ako'y umiibig sa kanyang***
i just wanna be the one she comes to when she's having a terrible day so i can make her feel better. i wanna be the one to make stupid jokes and try to get her to laugh when she's having an off day. i wanna be the one she comes to when something exciting happens so i can be happy for her and with her... i'm just trying to be the perfect girlfriend.
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